Fake it till you make it

“Fake it till you make it.”

A phrase I’d heard countless times in movies in the context of the innocent protagonist making his or her way into a new social or professional realm; the nerdy girl joins the popular squad, the insecure athlete pushes himself to qualify for a tournament, the new lawyer at a big firm proves herself in front of more experienced colleagues.

I didn’t mind this phrase in movies because it always seemed to catalyze the success of the main characters. It got them out of their head and into a life that they really earned.

But, when I heard this phrase as a form of advice during my first “grown up” anxiety experience in college, I instantly began to despise it.

Every syllable of this phrase struck all the wrong chords with my internal belief system; I have always valued sincerity over all else.

Needless to say “faking” the way I felt was by no means appealing.

If I didn’t really believe the ephemerality of my upset thoughts or headspace, why pretend like I did?

Why the dichotomy between my feelings and thoughts?

Whether my mood was angry, sad, frustrated, or annoyed, whether my mood started because of a bad interview or the loss of a loved one, if I truly felt stuck in it, why push myself to create this false image that I was all ok?

I wasn’t that soon-to-be-popular nerd, talented athlete, or witty lawyer.

This wasn’t fiction or a movie; no one’s paying to see a happy ending.

It was funny though. I heard this phrase from so many people, many of whom I really valued.

There had to be something more to this one liner?

While the use of the word “fake” still bugs me to this day, I realized this phrase dug at something deeper for me-- choosing when to pick action over non-action or thinking.

When to think and when to shut your brain off and do something to not think.

Thinking, analyzing, and interpreting are of course vitally important to the kind of attitude we own and beliefs we hold when tackling life. But there comes a point, which we usually and unfortunately only notice once we’ve long passed it, when thinking goes from productive to, pun intended, pointless.

I feel like we’ve been taught to believe that thinking is the way to solve all our problems. But what I only recently learned is that there are two sides of a problem: the logical side and emotional side.

Thinking, naturally, helps with the logical part, but the emotional part usually requires more than just thinking.

And there’s a distinct time lapse between logically understanding and accepting a situation or state of mind, and emotionally understanding and accepting it.

Being aware of this time gap is key.

Take, for example, a bad interview. You get all the self-criticizing thoughts, humiliation, and frustration out.

You realize that there’s nothing you can do about it.

So, you logically have reached acceptance.

But there’s this emotional component that takes a little while longer to let go of the anger and frustration you experience when you think about the interview.

This is also the reason why I often get frustrated when it takes longer to move past things than I’d like; I feel like I’ve come to terms with the situation and am ready to move on, but my emotional side takes a little longer to process.

It’s annoying.

But, evolutionarily, this has saved us. It has allowed us to more securely tie emotions to certain experiences, situations, and times so that we know how much things/ people mean to us and we know what to avoid and to appreciate.

So, while waiting to let your slower, emotional side reset, you’re given the opportunity to either sit and wait until it has reset or to let yourself take your mind off of the situation while it resets on its own.

And this is the part, where people say, “fake it”. Pretend like you’re over the mood and start acting that way.

With my anti- "fake” translation, this means: “while waiting to let your heart heal and catch up with your brain, live your life.”

The emotional side will catch up, but, just like when you’re gluing your eyes to the hands of a clock tick versus letting the clock just be an accessory on the wall while you engage in other activities, time will seem to pass a lot faster when you allow yourself to do things you enjoy.

Even if it feels weird at first, even if it comes in waves, allowing yourself to engage in life, the things that you love, will allow you to feel yourself healing more and more.

And, if you’re like me, you want to make sure that you’re not using these things that you love as forms of distraction or avoidance.

One way I’ve calmed this worry is by ensuring that I’m genuinely working on my logical side of understanding/ accepting a situation.

If, as in my case, it’s anxiety that’s troubling you, I try and use the appropriate tools and tactics to face and handle the anxiety. As long as I’m giving my best effort to therapy, working out, and meditating, I know I’m doing everything in my power to make the situation better for me.

So, while the emotional part of me clung on to this anxiety for longer periods of time, I allowed myself to start doing more.

I went out with friends, discovered new parts of the city, cooked new recipes, watched movies that intrigued me. There were many times my anxious thoughts returned to my mind when doing all these things, but there were also many times when I forgot completely about them. With time and better perspective, I chose to focus more on the latter.

So, if you’re doing the work, you’re doing all that you can for your logical side.

Your emotional side will follow suit, but the timeline of this side is harder to predict.

So, while waiting, appreciate the work that you’ve done, notice the moments you start to feel even the slightest glimpses of a better/happier/more favorable mood, and let yourself enjoy the beauty in action over inaction.