Cues to feeling good about ourselves? Words of praise, awards, raises, interviews, high test scores; any indication from someone else that we’ve done something right.
Theme?
These are all external sources.
While it is only normal to experience a boost in your confidence after compliments or desired job opportunities, it is important to distinguish between appreciating these forms of external validation and relying on them.
For anyone who’s applied to a job or school, we have learned that the school or employment system does not always feel fair. We build our resumes up, practice interviewing, research and even then, even after doing all the right things, we don’t get accepted, don’t get the job, don’t get the promotion.
And before fully processing the news, we start to feel a sense of inadequacy, resentment, or insecurity.
We let the admissions committee’s or our boss’s decisions determine how valuable we feel. Before evaluating the source, gathering the facts, appraising the situation, we take the rejection, the “no”, as a reason to doubt our worth and capabilities.
This quick link we make between other’s words and our internal state of confidence, I believe, is a product of our slight dependency on external validation.
Whether it's participation trophies or Student of the Week certificates, we have grown, through immersive habit rather than real reason or thought, to let others influence the way we feel about ourselves.
We don’t even take the time to think about whether others are qualified to change the way that we feel about ourselves.
But, amidst the participation trophies and weekly student awards, we were also taught an important lesson in our history classes: before taking words at face value, evaluate the source. Check their experience, their biases, their qualifications for reaching the conclusion that you’ve made.
So, if we reproach the rejection situation keeping this in mind as opposed to the almost subconscious reliance on external validation, we can form a more logical and appropriate reaction.
Rather than focus on just the words “no”, we are reminded to look at the person who is saying it. If it was your boss or an admissions committee that rejected you, it is likely that they have admirable qualities or at least the qualities needed to decide whether you get the position or acceptance.
But does this source, someone you may never have spoken to before or someone you may have only spoken to professionally have the qualifications to change how you feel about yourself?
Yes, based on your work or data, they are qualified to admit or reject you, but what gives their decision the power to change how you feel about yourself?
Logic would tell us, nothing.
By taking a step back to think about the decision, what it means, and what it’s qualified to change or influence, we are reminded that we, at the end of the day, have the true control over our feelings.
We have the privilege, the luxury of choosing what we let change the way we think and how we feel.
This brings me back to a time when I was in 5th grade and there was one volleyball match where I kept getting hit in the face with the ball. I don’t know what came over me or why I was so nervous, but I froze; every time I saw the opposing team serve, I would track the ball with my eyes all the way up until the point when all I could see was white because the ball was 2 cm away from my face.
My teammates kept shaking their heads and I felt myself letting them all down.
So, not surprising to say, that I walked away from that match feeling pretty horrible about myself.
The next two matches, this low confidence and fear remained with me and I avoided playing as much as I could. I kept seeking external validation - praise from my teammates or votes of confidence from my coaches - to get my head and confidence back in the game, but unfortunately, these never came.
It was after the second match that my mom sat me down, and shared with me that, “you can never make someone feel a certain way. It is you who controls how you feel.”
It was me, not my teammates nor the coach, that allowed me to treat getting nervous or making mistakes as signs that I was not a good player.
Though it was rough, I approached the next match with this new attitude; that even if you make mistakes, even if you freeze again, you are still trying your best and for that reason, you should be proud of yourself.
Although this a lower stakes situation, this approach works for every trying time one faces, no matter the degree.
This kind of reflection is less common when we face good news; we allow compliments or acceptances to change how we feel about ourselves without much thought.
We usually walk away from these situations feeling pretty good, so we don’t bother taking the time to remind ourselves that it was you that allowed you to feel better, it was your hard work that earned you this praise, it was all you.
But, when the bad news comes around, we forget that we can decide to allow or not allow it to change the way we feel about ourselves. We can productively take from it weaknesses we should work on and improve for next time, but not allow our confidence and self-esteem to get swept away in it.
We get to choose.
And let’s not forget that at some point, every person faces bad news, makes mistakes, or doesn’t receive the praise or achieve the accomplishments they set out. There was one match when the Venus Williams lost a match, but she beautifully, without letting this loss sway her confidence, said “I just had a bad day.”
Venus is still, with this loss, a good tennis player.
So, while external validation may help us remember why we are worthy or why we should feel good about ourselves, know that even without this reminder, your sense of worthiness and feelings still remain under your control.
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