The "supposed to be"s

Often times I feel we live our lives relative to the “should” or “supposed to be”s. And by this I mean that we are constantly comparing our current state to this idealistic state we create in our heads of how things really should be.

Sometimes it’s our emotional state; we feel not that excited to get up and we get upset questioning why we aren’t feeling excited or happy for the day beginning. We get upset when we think we’re not feeling how we’re SUPPOSED to.

Sometimes it’s our physical state; we’re eating right and exercising but we’re not losing the five pounds we are SUPPOSED to.

But my question is, and this is by no means intended to be cynical or pessimistic, who told you that life is supposed to be this way? Who defines “supposed to” for you? Is it TV, movies, celebrities, your friends? Or is it your past?

Something in us often makes us feel obligated to live by these terms of life- look good, feel good, act good. Why? Because we’re SUPPOSED to. We’re supposed to feel like everything’s ok. We’re supposed to be happy and wake up excited. We’re supposed to look like supermodels.

We constantly repeat these statements in our heads over and over again but we never question how or why these statements exist in the first place.

It's like one of those old traditions we continue to follow but never question- like Robert Frost’s poem “Fences Make Good Neighbors.” For years Americans had this tradition of putting up these white picket fences at first as a sign of the quintessential American lifestyle. But soon enough people just kept copying their neighbor and it continued on for generations. Sure- there are a good number of reasons why putting up fences seems valuable. It provides boundaries, adds aesthetic beauty, and creates a sense of privacy in a sense. SO maybe the white picket fence is good for some people.

For others, however, maybe they want a different aesthetic. Maybe they want to feel closer to their neighbors or maybe they simply don’t see the need for it. Should they keep putting up their picket fences and wondering why they’re still not happy with it?

Most of us would say no. If you don’t want the picket fence don’t keep putting up. If you don’t want it, don’t use it.

Now take this fence -the fence that you never invented, but adopted - and make it your “supposed to”s. Do you feel you’re supposed to feel happy every second? Quickly recover from downfalls? Live a life of certainty? Not have to question everything to believe it to be true?

If you could relieve that sense of obligation to live by these constructed rules of “supposed to be”s there would be no “relative” to compare to.

When you’re having a bad day and you think about that picket fence- that set of standards you hold yourself and your emotional state to - you feel worse. You question what’s wrong with you as though any deviation from the “should bes” is a reason for worry.

So rather than treating the “should be”s like some undeniably accurate rule of thumb, question it.

We’re told to do that in school- to question information with unreliable sources, to remain skeptical of what people claim to be fact, and to think critically about information we rely on. And your thoughts, hate to break it to you, aren’t made from mathematical derivations of facts- so QUESTION them. Their foundations aren’t that strong.

When you’re having a bad day and those “supposed to be”s don’t consume you, you feel down. BUT without internally comparing it to some ideal, you don’t have the added bonus of feeling guilty for feeling down. You no longer feel like you’re letting the better you down, the world down, your destiny down. You just get to be. You don’t have to criticize, compare, or analyze.

You just get to be.

When you allow this incredibly freeing habit of destroying that picket fence/ those set of rules you blindly feel you must abide by, you’ll feel a weight lifted off your shoulder. There’s no longer this pressure to be happy, perfect, productive,….. There’s only the option to BE. Be in whatever state you are, down, high, angry, and mad without feeling this need to shame or judge yourself for it.

Life, as we all know, is going to be full of emotions- the good and the bad. So the quicker you get on board with that, the less the bad emotions will get you down and the less the good emotions will get your scared to fall down. Both of them will be there and that’s a guarantee.

Any celebrity, TV star, billionaire, president, doctor, and survivor will tell you they’ve had good days AND bad days. So don’t make your “supposed to be”s any different.

You are simply supposed to BE.